Confessions of a Bitter Mary Sue

She hated this. The past six weeks had been a blur of tears, denial, and outright aggression on her part. To make matters worse? It was her birthday. And as custom dictated, she was home in Missouri for the craptacular holiday. She just couldn’t win. Not that she expected to. Lacey was far from thinking things would be okay, ever. So as it was, all she could do was sit there and take what was coming to her.

( Cut because it can be. )

Doomsday.
The Death of Superman.

When Lacey had bolted from the Daily Planet, her intent was to get to the nexus and get Superman some help. Sure it was cheating but she didn't want to see him die. Anything to avoid that. But much to her dismay, fate was dead set against her. She couldn't gain access to a nexus. No cafe and no other worldly cheat codes would let her change what was going to happen. Not knowing what else to do, Lacey was headed back for the Planet when Superman and Doomsday's fight came to town. Naturally chaos erupted and Lacey found herself getting lost in the mix as she tried to find where the epic boss battle was happening.

Crowds, debris, minor cuts and bruises, none of it mattered much to her as she forced her way to the scene, just in time to watch Doomsday fall... only to be followed by Superman. Naturally Lois ran over to him and Lacey unceremoniously shoved some bystanders out of the way so she could get closer. Fuck 'protocol'. She needed to be there, though she had to wonder why bother. This was the way things were meant to be, usually. Doomsday shows up, heroes fight, Superman finishes it and dies as Lois weeps over his prone form. That was the story. But even as she thought about that she felt sick. Maybe she was being petty, but she hated the fact that right then, right in front of her, it was Lois with Superman. And here she was standing somewhat in the background like some average Metropolis bystander watching the train wreck play out.

All Lacey could do was watch as Lois spoke softly to him. She wanted to close her eyes and look away but she stood firm and tried to ignore the somehow deafening silence that was blanketing across them all as the people started to realize Superman might not get back up this time. Even she doubted he would, because if she remembered at least other heroes had a put a few hits into Doomsday before Superman finished it. Here.. here it was all him and that made her even more afraid of what was happening now. There was a moment where Lacey thought maybe he noticed she was there, just a few steps behind Lois.. and when he spoke, she felt the desire to breathe drain out of her as his words faltered and faded with that last breath of his.

Her hand flew to her mouth and she closed her eyes for a moment while trying in vain not to scream. This wasn't supposed to happen except that it was. She could hear others as they all started reacting.. broken sobs, whimpering. She opened her eyes to be greeted by Lois' own weeping in front of her as she held onto the Man of Steel. There was a bright flash, causing Lacey to flinch and she glanced over at Jimmy who looked so lost and confused even as he snapped another picture of the scene. Lacey wanted to reach over, rip the camera from his hands, and throw it to the ground, but Jimmy looked at her sadly.

"..Has anyone seen Mr. Kent?" Jimmy looked around the disaster zone, "I think he's going to have to help with this."

With that simple comment, Lacey turned on her heel and ran. She couldn't be there and breathe. Fuck, she couldn't breathe at all. This entire world was suddenly weighing down and suffocating her. So she ran. It was something she was good at, at least until she stumbled and fell to the pavement. But rather than get back up, she scrambled into a sitting position and cowered near a pile of some rubble. There was no Clark to help anyone. Not them. Not her. No one. And she was one of the only people who knew that.

In that moment she realized that she hated Clark Kent. Even as she started to shake as the tears finally started to fall, she told herself she hated him for not 'cheating' in the spoiler section more. She hated the fact she couldn't warn him properly. She hated him for not even trying to get back up. She just.. she hated him.

Except she didn't and she knew that. Even as she started crying, her sobs strong enough to make her physically hurt, she was still trying to argue with herself. But she didn't hate Clark Kent. She couldn't. She loved him. She was in love with him and the fact she could only admit that after he was dead made her cry harder.

She hated this stupid place and she hated everything that brought her here, because now that she had a life she wanted to keep it was all ripped away before she had a chance to even tell him.

She buried her face in her hands with another sob, "I'm so sorry, Clark..."

Or maybe Santa had thrown up. Lacey couldn't decide which as she sipped her glass of whatever she was drinking. She wasn't exactly sure what it was but it had some alcohol and Lacey found that to be a bonus. At least wasn't eggnog. At least she was pretty sure it wasn't. She eyed her drink warily. It didn't look like eggnog...

She felt someone bump into her as a giggling couple stumbled past her. Oh god, she was having flashbacks to high school dances. Why was she here? Why? It was the Daily Planet Christmas party being held at the Ace of Clubs. Or maybe it was a generic holiday party. Either way it brought Lacey back to her earlier thoughts on Santa blowing up. With a mild grumble, Lacey left her spot on the floor and headed for the nearest wall where she could be a proper wallflower. One that didn't get bumped into.

Of course no more than two minutes after she'd found the perfect spot, she was nearly accosted by Steve Lombard. He was near three sheets to the wind and his pick up lines were slurred. She couldn't even fake a smile at him as she did her best to ignore him and plot the many ways to hide his body. This evening was not her idea of fun. Why had she come? Yes, she was an employee of the Planet.. but did she really need to be here in this atrocity of merriment? Lombard finally wandered away when a very busty young woman from Classifieds strolled by, causing Lacey to sigh in relief.. only to have Cat Grant get up in her face about something only Cat cared about. Lacey wanted to scream.. or light her on fire.

Between the holiday music, the coworkers she didn't know very well, and the lights, Lacey found herself ready to go a little bit postal. No, really. She was very close to tackling Cat and forcing that glass of eggnog she had down her throat, glass and all.

Ok, maybe not. But she really was tired of this scene already. Was it too late to quit and work somewhere else?

On the plus side at least she wasn't wearing her Christmas costume from the cafe...

It was a busy day in the Daily Planet bullpen. How did I know this? Because I was there. Why was I there? Well that's a long story. Suffice to say I was sitting at a desk and leaning back in the chair with my feet propped up on the desktop. I knew how I looked. I was acting as if I owned the place and had no care in the world as I flipped through the paper with my ipod on.

The world was my bitch.

Ok, not really and I know you're thinking what the fuck am I doing, but here it is. I was working at the Daily Planet. And no, not as a glorified secretary. I was a writer. A writer. Crazy right? How did I get the job? Apparently one of my bosses at the cafe who will remain nameless was feeling some postponed sense of guilt or was in a good mood. She pulled some strings and got me an interview. That's it, an interview. The rest was up to me. It was.. kind of annoying really. My last interview was at the pit of hell. This was entirely different. This was professional. I had to show samples of my work and answer questions.. And I felt like the chick at Human Resources was going to light me on fire with her serious stare of doom. Still I must have done something right because I was given a column. A freaking column. Oh it wasn't anything brilliant. It was just a humor/opinion column for filler in one of those sections you barely skim over. Not as important as Cat Grant's gossip and whatnot though. So yeah, no front page things, but it got me writing. Apparently I was replacing someone who had a mini breakdown in a column about an ex-boyfriend and a nailgun.. I heard that one made the front page. ..Heh. It was a weekly piece and I got paid for it. Sadly not enough to leave the wonders of the Lunatic Cafe, but fuck. Would you permanently leave a job where the health care plan has in resurrections? Hello? No. Didn't think so. Still it was kind of neat.

Oh no, the desk I was at wasn't mine. I was told it was an empty desk for some of writers who come and go during the week. Several columnists apparently worked from home but took the time to use one of these desks to remind people they were indeed employed. At least that's what one of the interns told me when I asked. Still I was pretending like I owned the place. Just to annoy certain people. I wouldn't be me if I didn't try.

A lady has to have her hobbies, right?

..Maybe I should write something. But eh. I'm on a break.

I'm kidding.

Mostly.

I eventually did get home, for the record. And weirdly the next day my I.D was altered to my new address. A bit late, no?

But that was neither here nor there anymore. You see, I was bored again. Oh sure, I could have gone to work, but no. I wanted to explore more. I wanted to.. I wanted to bother Clark. So maybe that was how I ended up at the Daily Planet. I went inside, flashed a bit of psychic paper one of the girls at work had given me for Christmas and was crammed into the elevator with the usual Daily Planet suckers.

When I was finally free of the confines of the squished workforce, I had to admit I was a bit in awe of the bullpen Clark got to work in. It was loud, busy, full of people, and did I mention loud? I walked slowly, taking it all in. It was pretty impressive. I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy for the people that got to work here. But it quickly faded when I reminded myself that I was far too lazy to ever be a reporter. Tracking down a lead? A source? Psh. No thanks. I could use that time to run people over in Saints Row 2.

I finally found Clark's desk, and don't ask how I knew, I just did. He wasn't there. My guess was that he was doing something important. Saving the world, doing a story, watching porn. Ok, so he probably wasn't watching porn. But that made for an amusing mental image. I spun around a few times in his chair, but soon that novelty wore off. With a sigh I moved from chair to desk and pulled out my Nintendo DS.

"Who are you?" The voice was stern and just a bit annoyed. I looked up from my game and found Lois Lane staring at me with a scowl. "What are you doing at Clark's desk?"

"I'm the lap dance Clark won online." I said with a faux smile. "It's amazing how some of those spam emails are actually legit. So is he here? Because I've had a long hard day and my bendyness is starting to wear thin. He's not going to notice if I'm not really into it is he? I mean, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with him, but my other appointments were such a bitch today. I didn't get nearly enough tips for the ass grabs..."

Lois stared at me in confusion, or maybe it was horror. I'm not entirely sure. So I just sat there and smiled innocently. Maybe this was a good day!

Ipod? Check. Camera? Check. Phone? Check. Money? Check. Common sense? ...Not so check. Keys? Check!
It would seem I was ready to go. Since I was going to be displaced in Metropolis, for whatever the fuck reason, I figured it was best to go and actually check it out. At least I had my house.. Right? So I walked out my front door, yes I locked it, and headed down the street. My house was on a simple little housing street. Nothing too impressive or too anything. It was mediocre, like me. But there were a few kids playing in their small yards and it seemed pleasant enough. Yeah, I was walking, but I figured the best way to do this was to walk. I could use the exercise and frankly I did not feel like driving. Funnily enough I think it was really because I trusted my reflexes on foot more than behind a wheel. Go figure.

I turned a corner and was immediately stuck by the sight of two hundred year old buildings, brownstones, apartments, and corner markets. Apparently my little block of Metropolis was a hidden little neighborhood of sorts, crushed by the surrounding city so to speak. Not a bad thing really. It would make an interesting view from the widows at least. Admittedly I'd never actually lived in a city like this before. Despite being a state capital, Jefferson City really was not that ohmygod impressive. Then again, nothing in Missouri was. Suffice to say, I was a little in awe as I explored. People were just moving everywhere and I was pretty sure everyone was hopped up on caffeine. Of course that thought made me thirsty and I suddenly wanted a mocha. Fuck.

A mocha later (hey, there was a well placed coffee shop near by) I was back to the sidewalk. I tried to avoid the newsstands, if only because they always had a Superman story they were talking about. And hey, it wasn't as if I wanted to avoid Superman. I just.. I hadn't let that part sink in yet. Shit, I had a lot that needed to sink in. I'd better figure it all out soon or else I was going to go insane. I thought about it a bit as I wandered. I snapped a few pictures, took a few numbers of the take out restaurants I'd passed, took a few breaks to rest my heels, and made note of where the stores I would need and want were at.

Before I knew it, I realized that I'd spent the entire day exploring the city and I still wasn't done. Crap. I was going to be at it for days at this rate. On the plus side, I'd located Centennial Park (Metropolis's version of Central Park) and even taken a look at the statue they had of Superman. Something about a meteor shower before he left and stuff. I was only vaguely paying attention considering I think that a statue is bit cheesy when the guy was alive and not dead. Sure, they'd built it when he was gone but still.. Come on. I wanted to scream at these people to stop with the savior crap. No one can live up to the pedestal and expectations most people put on the guy. I mean geez. If he weren't the ultimate boyscout, I'd place bets on when he'd snap under pressure.

I sat down on a bench, paying no real attention to where I was anymore. Ugh. I needed a break, you know? My stomach growled. Oops. Guess I needed dinner too. I hadn't eaten since breakfast and all that had been was a bowl of Special K Red. Good stuff, but I probably should have eaten lunch. Relying on mochas and water all day wasn't a good thing. I leaned back on the bench and stared at the sky. It was dusk now. Sigh. I really had let time fly. Crap. I was going to have to make my way home in the dark. I guess I could splurge on a cab... "Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me." I muttered as something dawned on me... I couldn't remember my address. I sat up straighter and pulled out my I.D, hopefully it would be on there, right?

WRONG. According to my driver's license, I still lived in Missouri. "Oh for fuck's sake!" I cursed and then wished for a wall to bang my head on. Who the hell displaces and moves someone via extreme methods but doesn't bother to at least change the little details like the address on said person's I.D? Oh, I know who. A freaking psycho goddess that cosigns her name on my paycheck. "Fucking son of a bitch." I was a complete idiot. I really would have to walk back, since it was the only way to retrace my steps.

I stared back up at the sky, "You really suck, you know that?" I shouted. My little tantrum was toward Silence, but I seriously doubted she'd hear me. She was probably laughing her ass off. Freaking bitch. I sure as fuck better get a raise for putting up with this shit.

Game over, man. Forgot the save point. Hit the reset button please.

So.. right. I had my moment of wtfery. Nearly got killed. Was rescued by True Blue. Went to a hospital. Got patched up and put on pain meds.. and then while influenced by happy pills I kind of let loose with the Lacey Crazy. (Yes I have my own brand.) But.. um.. he seemed to like it. But um.. yeah.. I'll get into more about that another time.. but I will say this much... I kind of wish I had more happy pills. I mean, when else will I have the guts to pin him in a hospital bed?

Let's talk about the aftermath. Well, I got home.. My mother was waiting for me. Now see, this isn't unusual or a bad thing. However, this now meant I had to explain my condition. So what did I do? I lied my ass off. I said I fell off the roof. (That was true! It just wasn't my roof.) There were questions about who took me to the doctor.. then questions about who said person was. Suffice to say, now my mother thinks I have a secret boyfriend.

Meanwhile, I got a text from Silence. All it said was, "Oops. My bad." So I think the whole trauma thing was her fault. That or it has something to do with work. I.. I don't know.

But here's the kicker of it all. I flipped through channels on my tv. I ended up on one of the news networks. Not impressive or anything.. until a story came on. A story about Lex Luthor. As if her were real. Which he isn't. So then I thought, it has to be big viral campaign or something. Right? Wrong. How do I know this?

Because the next morning I had a copy of the Daily Planet in my newspaper box. There was a Metropolis listed in my encyclopedias. There was mentions of Superman saving.. well, I don't know what. All I know is it was Superman. Hello? It was live on my tv and it wasn't a freaking movie.

Did I mention the fact that MY FREAKING HOUSE IS NOW IN METROPOLIS?

What is my life?

Lacey was not centered. She was not in her happy place.
Oh no, she was just in a wooded area surrounding a group of cabins that had long since fallen past the state of disrepair. When she had first spotted the cabins her thoughts had immediately turned to Friday the 13th, but thankfully this seemed like less of a summer camp and merely more of a rundown forest retreat. Lacey was hoping that she wasn't a Mary-Sue in a Friday the 13th movie. She was pretty sure that if she was, she'd be a goner. Not because she couldn't do anything, but because it was always the sweet innocent virgin type girl who survived.

Lacey Voorhees was not sweet. And she was certainly not innocent. In other words, she was fucked and not in a hot and kinky kind of way.

She was currently on top of a roof of a cabin, trying to get a good look around. With only the moon as her light source it was a challenge to say the least. She was hating this. She'd already come across several bodies, victims of whatever nutjob was slaughtering people here. Most were hacked up but she had found one death by bludgeoning. It ad not been a pleasant sight. If she weren't her, she'd probably have lost her lunch at some point. Thankfully she was able to control herself.

Lacey stilled instantly. Had she heard something? She didn't see anything, but that meant nothing. The woman barely breathed as she tried to listen to her surroundings. She heard a slight creak for her efforts. It was somewhere in the cabin below. It had-

Creak.

No, it was- Lacey turned her head and found herself staring at a pair worn out work boots. She swallowed and immediately rolled to the side just as an ax slammed into the spot she'd been laying. Unfortunately, she hadn't timed her roll quite right and she ended up falling off the roof and onto the damp grass below. She groaned but silently thanked god (or whoever was watching) for not being on top of a really tall building. Lacey scrambled to her feet, wincing in pain. She was bruised but not broken and so she started to run just as she heard the thud of the resident psycho's feet hitting the ground.

She didn't bother heading for any of the other cabins, knowing she could be cornered if she tried to hide again. She needed open ground. She needed a weapon. She needed-

-To scream, because an arm suddenly wrapped itself around her. Lacey struggled, only to be thrown aside like a rag doll over a rocky hill. She couldn't keep from crying out as she tumbled down the hillside.

The last thing she felt was a sharp pain as she hit bottom. And then...

Nothing.

Psycho killer on the loose.
Not sure who/what.
Lots of dead people.
Still surviving.
Wish I had some gummi bears.
No idea where I'm at yet.
Did I mention the dead people?

When you wake up and don't know where you are, it's usually a bad sign.
When you're me, it tends to be not exactly normal, but not overly unusual.
Waking up in the middle of a dark wooded area and alone isn't a first for me either.
Finding a mutilated body not far from me however is.
And hey, funny, how I can use my phone to update this, but not be able to call out. Stupid Mary-Sue bullshit. Or maybe it's Nexus bullshit. Who knows? Who cares?
Crap. I think I heard something.

Lacey was having a screwed up time of it lately. She hadn't been able to get to work at all. In fact, she hadn't even been able to get to the cafe nexus in general for about a month. At first she assumed it was something nexus drama related. But then she kept finding her paycheck on her kitchen counter for hours she hadn't put in.

Weird.

If that wasn't weird enough, she spoke to her boss the first week it happened. Buffy had told her that she had no idea what was going on. The two of them decided it could be something related to Lacey's world, and so they contacted one of the partners. Silence had informed them that there was nothing wrong and that she should have been able to get to work. This of course annoyed Lacey and she politely told the woman that if she could have gotten to work she would have. Only she really wasn't polite at all and had used a few words that should have gotten her fired. Thankfully, Silence just laughed it off. And that was how it was. Lacey couldn't get to work, she got a paycheck..

And she was bored out of her freaking mind.

Which was probably why she had spent her month in her house. Oh sure, she went shopping, socialized (sort of) with her friends in town, she did normal things.
And she hated it. The normalcy was stifling her. It was then that she realized that was why she secretly enjoyed working at the cafe. It was a nexus and weird things could and would happen. It could be unpredictable. She was a fucking junkie on whatthefuckery. Joy.

But all this didn't just annoy her, it left a little worried. After all it had been a month. She'd tried calling the bosses again but this time she had no response. What the hell was going on? Lacey had no clue.. so she decided to just slowly die of boredom.

Lucky her.

On the plus side, if this kept up, she wouldn't have an excuse to miss Thanksgiving. (Not that she would. Hello, her mother's cooking was fucking awesome.)

..Good god she was bored.

Or at least the job aspect. I think I may be cursed. The first job I ever got was some babysitting gigs when I was thirteen. Back then I was dreaming of being like the girls in those Babysitters Club books. Yeah, I know. Lacey as a babysitter? Shock. Lacey as a nice girl? Yeah.. let's not discuss that.
Anyway, my babysitting career ended by the time I was sixteen when one of grandparents of a kid watched decided to make really disgusting innuendos to me. While I'm pretty sure it was due to senility, it was still disgusting and I unceremoniously retired.

Besides, then I got the job at the place of evil, the den of hell. Pizza Hut. I worked there until I graduated. And when I moved out of town, I just got a job at another one. You probably think, "Oh, it couldn't be that bad." When you have to deal with the little mind games the shitty management pulls, trust me. It is. So why did I put up with it? I have no idea. Easier than looking for something new? Bills to be paid? Excuses excuses. Either way, I finally quit after my life as a Mary-Sue started. I just couldn't handle the stress of of it all.

Then I got this job offer to work over in the Lunatic Cafe. From who? Oh, that Sil chick. The goddess thing. Anyway, the pay was too good to pass up and I'd get to be in power. (Ok, I was just management. Same diff.) Sure, I'd wait tables too on the side, but that was doable. I didn't have to cook and I could boss people around. It was perfect. Except it wasn't. Now instead of the usual people I'd deal with back home, I was now open to dealing with the multiverse. I've seen pretty much everything now and because of the cafe, I pretty much refuse to go wandering any of the other nexuses I know about. (Sages, Dear Multiverse.. That stuff.) I'm traumatized I tell you.

Oh sure, there were some good things. (I got to meet some of my favorite characters from things I grew up on. Like 21 Jump Street. What? Shut up.) And uh.. I met Superman... But we won't get into that. We won't. Why? Because I'm talking about the negatives here!

The other day I was working the cafe and there was this trio of drunks. One of which was Susan Imp, a chick who looked like the girl from Kill Bill (the Japanese girl with the ball and chain), and a dead ringer for my Clark. They were getting completely out of control and I'm pretty sure the short one was going to die of alcohol poisoning if they kept it up. So I cut them off from the bar. The Clark look-a-like even tried to act all wounded and get more booze. Yeah. Right. Like I'd fall for that. He was a freaking weeble wobble. Half the time these people couldn't stay on their feet!

If I suddenly start associating Clark to the human weeble wobble and his friends, I'm going to find that guy and beat the shit out of him. I'm just saying. It'll be his fault.

Yeah, this was really of no importance but I'm bored and I decided to think. This is what you get.